"How to care for your house elves - a beginners guide" or "using one's blog for therapy"

So, you've just got some house elves? Whilst house elves are a wonderful addition to any student flat, be sure to look after them properly by following this simple guide, which is punctuated by illustrative examples.

The number one rule of house elf maintenance is that they are highly sensitive to your needs and must be made to feel AT ALL TIMES that they are serving you and that you are not having strain yourself. Whatever you do, do NOT attempt to carry out any menial household tasks. Or at least no useful ones. If you really must satisfy any yearning to clean, do something completely useless like mopping the kitchen ceiling.

At absolute worst, you may wash your own dishes, but do ensure that you leave them lying around on every available kitchen surface (no neat piles next to the sink, now) surrounded by crumbs and grease for a few days first. Then when you "wash" your dishes, ensure that they have a good amount of grease or bits stuck to them so that the house elves can redo them for you later, and do not attempt to clean any surfaces you may have sullied.

If you can find ways to make your house elves tasks more difficult, this will only heighten their sense of worth. A good example of this is placing unwrapped broken plates on the top of the bin bag that they will be taking out (because obviously you must avoid taking it out yourself at all costs). In this way they may cut their hands, and feel much better about the task. If they take out the pieces of broken plate and suggest you might like to wrap it in paper, for safety - DO NOT BE FOOLED. What they actually want you to do is leave the broken plate lying on the floor for 3 days so that they can wrap it up for you on bin collection day.

Beyond menial tasks, you should also allow them spontaneous pleasures, as special treats. If you set off the fire alarm, for example, you should stand still. Do not address the house elves, and wait until one of them has turned the alarm off for you. Do NOT thank the house elves once they have done this for you. Alternatively you could fill the freezer up to bursting with tupperware pots of nuclear war rations and then leave the door open so that the only thing they have in there, icecream, melts and dribbles all over the freezer and fridge. They then have the pleasure of cleaning the whole sticky area as a special surprise.

Now we come to how to address your house elves. When they say hello to you, you should ignore them. This may seem a little rude at first, so you may say hello to the cat instead, if this makes you feel more comfortable. If they wish you a pleasant day, the appropriate response is 'I will'. Under no circumstances should you engage in pleasantries with them, such as 'you too'. It should go without saying that you should never ask them how their day was. You may describe at great length any mundane stories you have, however. You should avoid giving these stories any context, so that your house elves will not really know what you are talking about, if possible.

Finally and probably most importantly, make sure that your house elves get to pay for the pleasure of serving you - not paying your rent for anywhere up to 5 weeks is probably sufficient. If you can leave the country for several weeks without telling them and without paying them rent for several weeks before or during your trip, you can earn extra brownie points with them.

If these simple guidelines are followed, you can expect a happy and enjoyable time with your house elves. And when you leave, they will shed a little tear.